


Now I know the truth

by BookshopLaura



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-27
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2018-01-14 00:28:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1245892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshopLaura/pseuds/BookshopLaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur discovers that Merlin has magic and decides he must discover what sinister plot Merlin has hatched against him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Arthur is woken by the sound of Merlin coming into his chambers to wake him. As he often does, he pretends to be asleep just because he takes a perverse enjoyment out of making Merlin work harder. Merlin is his servant, it's his job to wake Arthur, so Arthur will enjoy lazing in bed pretending to sleep until Merlin has finished clattering around. When he hears Merlin pottering over by the table at the other end of his chambers, he squints one eye open to watch him. Merlin has put his breakfast tray on the table and is tutting whilst picking Arthur's night shirt off of the floor. Arthur had felt too hot in the night and, after taking his shirt off, had wondered how far he could throw it. Apparently past the table. Arthur thought that was a respectable distance and left it for Merlin in the morning. He's smirking at that when Merlin turns without looking and knocks into the table, his hand knocking the jug of water. Just as it looks like it's about to smash on the table Merlin's eyes glow gold and the jug freezes. In less than a second Merlin has grabbed the jug. He hasn't saved it's contents, which pours all over the table. He frowns, placing the jug back down in it's place and uses Arthur's night shirt to mop up the water. 

Arthur's too shocked to be offended. Merlin has magic, Merlin has been lying to him since the day they met. He's probably a spy. What if he killed Arthur's father? What if he has Arthur bewitched? Arthur dismisses this the minute he thinks it. Simple logic dictates that if he was bewitched he wouldn't be doubting Merlin's loyalty or questioning if he was bewitched.But what if he's been manipulating Arthur into... into what?. That's the question. Arthur feels sick with betrayal. Not only can't he trust Merlin, he can't trust his own actions where Merlin has influenced him. Who knows what damage he has done. But he can't just accuse Merlin. Then he'll never know how deep the betrayal goes. Clearly he'll have to pretend he hasn't seen what Merlin has done and observe him. How else can he work out what Merlin's plan is, and if there are any other traitors in his midsts. 

He closes his eyes quickly as Merlin turns to come back across the room. A second later he feels Merlin shaking his shoulder.

"Wake up, sleepy head" Arthur acts as he always does, moaning and turning as if going back to sleep. He wishes he was, then this would be a bad dream and his manservant, the man he thought was his best friend wouldn't be a traitor. He feels sick and adrift but he has to continue this semblance of normality. Merlin can't see that he suspects him. 

"I said, wake up, turnip head!" says Merlin, pulling him roughly off the bed by the arms. He's smiling that idiot grin of his and right now Arthur wants to wipe it off of his face, tell him what he knows. But he can't. Merlin catches the death glare though and frowns.

"Don't look at me like that, you're the one who insists that the knights need an early morning drill!" he says obviously and turns to get Arthur's armour ready whilst Arthur eats. 

"You've got a meeting with the town guilds after that, remember. I know it's boring, but I did write up some notes on each of the guilds, their members, what their current aims are. Thought it might be useful if your mind wanders in the meeting."

"Bring it here, I want to see it" says Arthur loudly. His mind is jumping on this. He hasn't asked Merlin for this assistance, surely that in itself is suspicious. Merlin pauses in his work to go over to Arthur's desk and bring out the two pieces of parchment which he has written for Arthur. When he hands them to Arthur, looking slightly confused but also flattered that Arthur's actually interested, Arthur snatches them out of his hands. Merlin frowns at that, but Arthur glares at him and he goes to continue his work, his lips pursed and brow furrowed. Arthur trawls through the pages intently. None of it's of much interest. Merlin's information is pretty boring, who they are and what they represent. Any comments he's made seem fair by what Arthur remembers of those mentioned. He doesn't show any obvious support for one in particular. After thoroughly reading it twice, Arthur decides there is no useful information he can gleam from them regarding Merlin's plot. He rips them in half and goes and places them in the fire. Then he goes across to where Merlin is looking at the fire wide eyed. He'd forgotten Merlin was in the room still. Merlin who looks up at Arthur, hurt and confused. Arthur feels guilty for a second then remembers he shouldn't.

"I knew all of that already" he tries to say flippantly as if it's natural for him to disregard Merlin's efforts so easily. 

"Oh... well... didn't you want breakfast?" asks Merlin still clearly shaken, but changing the subject. 

"No. I don't have an appetite this morning. Just get me ready for drill" Merlin nods, not meeting Arthur's eye, and dresses him in a similar manner. Arthur heads down to drill kicking himself for being so obvious. Merlin will realise he's suspicious of him. So as he walks across the courtyard he starts planning how he will reveal Merlin's plan.


	2. Chapter 2

Whilst Arthur is practising, brutally pushing the knights that morning, Merlin rushes to get his chores done. He takes Arthur clothes to the laundry and brings back a clean batch of clothes and puts them away. He cleans out the grate from the night before and clears the breakfast things from the table, laying out a light lunch. All the while he thinks about how Arthur was acting this morning. Something is wrong and Arthur is keeping it close to his chest. Which worries Merlin, because when Arthur's worried about something he always tells Merlin, so this must be something big. He tries not to think about the incident with the notes he'd made for Arthur. He knows how boring Arthur finds those meetings, and usually he liked any help Merlin offered, even if he did joke that Merlin was useless. 

Merlin finishes after an hour and heads to Gaius' chambers to sort out some of his own chores. As he's in his room tidying he spots a small carved figure of a bear. He smiles. He'd forgotten he left it out, but he's glad. He picks it up and rubs is hand over a broken ear as if he's stroking it.

"I don't know why he's being like this, Beh, I haven't done anything to annoy him. Not that I can remember..."

"Merlin!" Merlin hears Gaius calling from below, rolls his eyes at the bear and heads downstairs. He'd forgotten he needed to clean out the leech tank. 

\---

Arthur comes back from training feeling more in control. He's vented some of his aggression on the knights. But when his eyes meet Merlin's as he comes to the edge of the field they darken. He can feels his anger rising again. Merlin's countenance falls and then his brow furrows in annoyance.

"If I've done something to upset you, just spit it out"

'That's what you want isn't it, for me to accuse you outright!' thinks Arthur. Outwardly he tries to put on a neutral face and says 

"You haven't done anything. You're being paranoid. Hurry up, Merlin, I have a meeting in half an hour and I'm starving". He turns to walk away and realises he isn't being followed. He turns back to see Merlin glaring at him. His eyes are rebellious, but Arthur can't help registering hurt and confusion in them too. Well, he deserves it.

"Come on, Merlin!" he shouts and Merlin blinks, looking away and hurries behind him.

At the meeting later Arthur misses half of what's being said because he's paying so much attention as to what Merlin is doing. Is he signalling to someone? He appears to just be staring out of a window, refusing to meet Arthur's eyes. Every now and then he glances back at Arthur and then turns to stare again. Maybe he's using magic! His eyes aren't glowing. Do they have to glow? It's only half way through the meeting when Arthur questions why a covert magic user would be interested in interfering with a meeting to discuss the rising costs of pottery or the influence of foreign trade on local sheep farmers. If there is a plot it's far more intricate than he gives Merlin credit for. So the notes this morning were just a decoy, part of Merlin's disguise to appear like his loyal and devoted servant. He spends the rest of the meeting glaring at Merlin for making him look stupid and trying not to show he's distracted.

As he leaves the meeting, trailed a few feet by Merlin, he spots Gaius on the way to a patient in the town and has an idea. He stops and turns on Merlin. 

"You need to muck out the stables."

"No I don't, I did it last night!"

"Well I want you to do them again!"

"Arthur, why are you being like this?" pleads Merlin.

"Just do as you're told for once, Merlin!" he snaps, because that look, that look of hurt and not understanding is painful to see. Merlin falls silent and turns to walk towards the stables, turning back to look angry and desperately at Arthur. He ignores him and as soon as he's out of sight, he heads straight to Gaius' chambers. 

His destination is Merlin's room. Once in there his first thought is how messy it is. Trust Merlin to leave his clothes all over the floor. He hunts around and uncovers under some loose floor boards a book of magic spells. He hunts further and finds a pile of letters. They all appear to be from Hunith, he reads one and decides they might be in code. He finds notes on spells and how to perform them, but nothing about where or when or how they will be used. And to be honest, none of the spells he sees look very dangerous. He doesn't find much else, normal everyday things like mugs and belts and a comb, which Merlin has clearly never used. He does see a small wooden bear on the table beside the bed. It could be magical, cursed. It could be protecting Merlin. He takes it and the letters and heads back to his own chambers. There he reads and rereads the letters. However he tries he can't see anything but motherly nagging and concern. But he's running out of time and getting nowhere. He hides the letters and the bear under his mattress so that can study them later just as Merlin walks into his chambers.


	3. Chapter 3

Merlin pushes into Arthur's chambers, unannounced as usual. He's frowning as he builds a fire. Arthur backs away from the bed guiltily but Merlin isn't looking up at him, just placing the wood silently. Arthur thinks he should say something, at this rate Merlin will realise he's onto him and then who knows what he might do. He needs to be nice, throw him off the scent. Speaking of which there's a definite waft of stable essence and as it hits him, Arthur can't help but recoil.

"God, Merlin, you reek!" it's out of his mouth before he can help it.

"Should have thought of that before you sent me to clean the stables then!" says Merlin standing up and raising his eyebrows, then adds.

"Is there anything else, sire?"

"You're in a rush, aren't you? Aren't you going to help me with my speech for the town Elders? I've only got three days Merlin" It's a brilliant idea. This is a brilliant opportunity for Merlin to try and manipulate Arthur, put words in his mouth, and Arthur will be watching as he writes them, and he'll know. He'll have evidence. 

"I'm sure you can manage it on your own, sire" says Merlin coldly, not meeting Arthur's eyes. He's still hurt from this morning, still bristling. And now there's a bit of Arthur that's panicking because he's not sure he can write it on his own even if he wants to. Merlin's always been there to help him, always better at words than Arthur. 

"Merlin, as your king I'm..."

"There's a girl in the lower town, she has the fever. Gaius has asked me to gather some herbs he needs from the forest and meet him at her house in an hour. He'll need me there through the night to help tend her. I'm sorry" 

Arthur's tempted to disbelieve it but Merlin doesn't look like he's lying, like he's just made it up. He never did look like he lied, but if he gets this wrong, if he keeps Merlin here a girl could die. And it would be Arthur's fault.

"Fine, just make sure you're back to normal tomorrow." Merlin nods and turns to walk away. . 

"Merlin..." says Arthur, stepping forward. Merlin stops, his hands clench and he doesn't turn around.

"If you need anything... for your patient... just... you can have it... Good luck." He's stumbling over his words, awkward. He tells himself he's trying to convince Merlin they're still friends, like a peace offering. But when Merlin turns slightly and he looks at Arthur cautiously then gratefully he's not so sure. 

"Thank you, Arthur" Arthur can't help the feeling of relief when he hears Merlin say his name. And then Merlin is gone. For a moment Arthur just stands there, feeling content. But then, like frost creeping onto a leaf, the doubt reappears. What if Merlin is lying? This could all be part of a plot. He quickly pulls on a jacket and follows Merlin at a distance. It's early evening and the sun is still high, although the air is chilled. Merlin walks to Gaius' chambers to collect some bottles which he places in a bag over his shoulder. Arthur can tell by the way they jingle in his bag. He follows Merlin across a field and just into the forest where Merlin starts foraging. It's all very boring. Merlin keeps picking leaves and comparing the to a piece of crumpled and torn parchment he clasps in his left hand. Eventually he finds what he's looking for and starts pulling up a lot of leaves. Then he heads back into the town, stopping not far in to knock at a door. Arthur watches from an alley opposite. A door creaks open and a crying woman opens the door and hugs him before quickly ushering him in. Arthur creeps closer and listens at the door. He can't hear much. But he can hear Gaius' voice and he can hear the woman crying still. He backs away feeling guilty.

As he walks home he finds himself feeling at once angry and guilty. If Merlin has magic he must be evil, mustn't he? But Merlin is helping Gaius help a poor sick girl. And he did write a list to help Arthur in his meeting. And he's Merlin, loyal, loud, ridiculous Merlin. Maybe magic isn't evil? Even if it isn't, Merlin has lied to him for as long as they've know each other. That leaves a bitter taste in his mouth again. Steeling himself Arthur marches back to his chambers, grabs a pencil and retrieves the letters from under his mattress.


	4. Chapter 4

Arthur heads straight over to his bed and gets the letters out again, and the bear, which he stands on his desk. He gets another piece of parchment out to make notes and poises his quill to write as he reads them. He starts with the first.

"My dear Merlin

I am so glad that you have found Gaius and are settled in Camelot. I am sure you will learn a lot from him. I have already told you to be respectful and thankful to Gaius, remember that you are a guest in his house. I do not want to hear of you turning you insulting his cooking or leaving your mess all around. And for goodness sake, stay out of trouble. Especially with regards to this young prince. He may be a 'prat' as you say, but he is a prince and very powerful. Please just keep your head down. He'll forget you within the week. Try to concentrate on your studies. Gaius has a lot he can teach you and there will always be a need for physicians in a city like Camelot. But do have fun, and don't forget to write to me often to tell me how you are doing.

Your loving Mother." 

He finishes the letter and the only notes he has made is that Merlin initially thought he was a prat. Since Merlin told him as much to his face it doesn't really count as a secret. He tries reading every other word, every third word, all the words down every side, every other letter. It's all gibberish. He puts the first letter down and reads another then another. He remembers some of the events they refer to. The adventures or incidents that he and Merlin have shared. Hunith thinks Merlin probably looked very dashing in his official court robes even if Arthur only made him wear them to laugh at him. But the letters also contain rebukes. Merlin is brave but he must be more careful. He shouldn't confront beasts and powerful sorcerers. She's proud but she worries that he's putting himself at risk in protecting Arthur. It seems Merlin starts omitting their adventures for a while and then  
"Gaius wrote to me to tell me about what you did for Arthur. And whilst I can't help but be proud of you, you really must be more careful! You nearly died! Did you think how I would feel, so far away? Not finding out until it was too late! And poor Gaius! What is done is done, and I know you have told me of your destiny, but is it really your destiny to die to keep Arthur Pendragon alive at any cost? 

Arthur's been feeling increasingly uncomfortable as he reads the letters. He can't find any code, but there are hints that Merlin's been up to more than Arthur knew, or that his initial reading suggested. And most of it has apparently been to help Arthur, to protect him. It chimes with things that Merlin has said sometimes, which make Arthur's heart beat at twice it's normal speed. Things about going any where with Arthur, standing by him, being ready to die for him. It must be a ploy, a cover. Can anyone really be that loyal? But if he's lying to Arthur, he's lying to his mother and Gaius as well. Pretending to nearly die by throwing himself at those creatures, the Dorocha. Arthur can still see his face frozen in a look of shock and covered in ice, can still feel Merlin's skin, icy through his gloves. He's nearly crying just thinking about it. That can't have been a plot, can it? Was there some ulterior motive in it? Confused and upset, Arthur picks up the bear and the letters and heads to bed. 

\---

Very early the next morning, Merlin returns to his chambers to get a few hours sleep before he attends to Arthur. He smiles slightly, feeling relief when he thinks of Arthur. He's been so off recently, nearly cruel at times. But he sounded himself again, when he urged Merlin to help the young girl, who is now over her fever and sleeping peacefully. She'll need a day or two to build up her strength but she'll soon be fine. 

He's sat on the bed, beginning to undress when he notices that Beh is gone. He frowns and has a quick check on the floor and the bed, but he's too tired to worry about that now. Frowning he climbs into bed and falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's a bit slow atm, I promise it's gonna get more dramatic, it's gonna be painful


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning Merlin drags himself from his bed, his eyes burning and fighting to close and his arms feeling like someone's sewn stones into the arms and legs of his clothes. He slowly makes his way to Arthur's chambers, opening the door with a kick as he concentrates on not spilling Arthur's breakfast all over the tray.

\----

Arthur's startled awake by the door being kicked open. His eyes focus on the small lump of wood clasped tightly in his hand. He quickly tucks it under the pillow, and goes back to pretending to be asleep so that when Merlin comes over he's forced to shake Arthur and moan at him. Arthur's feeling bitter, so he turns violently over to face the other way, muttering incoherently. Merlin stops his shaking and for a moment Arthur can't hear anything but the sound of Merlin breathing in short breathes with long pauses in between. 

"Arthur, please" it's barely audible and if Arthur wasn't sure Merlin was close to tears before, he's sure now. He stays silent for a moment longer, then turns over theatrically, stretching and yawning.

"Argh, what time is it?" 

Arthur tries not to notice as Merlin wipes his eye with his sleeve. But he knows Merlin registers Arthur's lack of response. So he turns and says

"You're not crying like a girl, are you Merlin?" it's nearer how they used to be. But it's still a little harsh. It's only now that he looks at Merlin directly that he sees the bags under Merlin's eyes. And only now that he remember's that Merlin was out helping someone yesterday, doing good. And he pushes the confusion that someone evil could care for some one to the back of his mind. He sits up, crossing his legs. Merlin's looking terrible.

"How is she?" he asks quietly. Merlin's eyes flick back up to Arthur's. They look grateful and hopeful. He smiles slightly.

"She's doing a lot better, she's out of danger. A few days and she'll be back to normal. But it... it was a long night and she was very ill... we nearly... it's not nice to see" says Merlin frowning. Arthur tells himself he's only acting, keeping Merlin off the scent, when he climbs out of bed to take Merlin by the the shoulders and say.

"She's okay now, thanks to you." He's raising his eyebrow in that way that says 'I'm right'. Merlin nods slightly

"Now, if you help me change then I can eat and train the knights and you can go back to Gaius' and get some more sleep"

"Really?"

"You earned it. But make sure you get the rest of your chores done later, and have my lunch ready for when I get back from training."

Merlin smiles at him and Arthur feels guilty for doubting him. As Merlin dresses him he starts chatting as before, about the girl, about Gaius, what the servants are nattering about. Arthur tries to ignore it but, it's so easy to fall into the same banter with Merlin. When Merlin's finished he wishes Arthur good luck and goes to leave, smiling warmly at Arthur before closing the door. 

\---

Back in his chamber, Merlin climbs onto the bed. Arthur is himself again and Merlin is getting a lie in. But when he looks up he notices the empty side table. Where is Beh? He gets out of bed again and starts rummaging around. He looks under the bed, under the covers, with his books.

"Gaius, have you seen a small toy bear?" he shouts down.

"Have you lost Beh? I'm sure he's around somewhere"

"He's not up here!" 

"You haven't taken him out anywhere?"

"No! I'm not a child any more!" 

"Then he must be there. I'm sure he'll turn up"

Merlin frowns and heads back to bed.

\---

Arthur's sitting tapping his fingers on the table when Merlin appears with lunch. He's been thinking. Is Merlin his friend or his enemy? Is he being open and honest or just a brilliant actor? He's been acting well so far . That bitter thought stuck and Arthur has run another brutal training session, running it an hour longer than usual. It hasn't helped relieve his stress and the thoughts have only worsened running round and round in his mind. 

"You're late" he snaps, thinking 'traitor' and 'liar'

Merlin slows as he's putting the plate in front of Arthur, his eyes clouding with confusion. 

"I'm sorry, I..." but he's not late for lunch and suddenly Arthur is cold again. His eyes search Arthur's but Arthur looks away, picking up a fork to eat. 

"Don't let it happen again. After lunch I need your help writing the speech for tomorrow night." 

"Yes Sire" says Merlin, not looking at Arthur. 

After a very quiet lunch, Arthur brings out a few pieces of parchment and sits Merlin in front of it, telling him to write. Merlin frowns at him suspiciously, then picks the quill up and starts to write. After an hour, he stops and hands it to Arthur defiantly. Arthur feels like he has Merlin in a trap, he analyses every word, every turn of phrase. He questions Merlin about it, mocks his writing, rereads large sections with a voice that strongly suggests that he's not impressed. He crosses through much of it and drops it back in front of Merlin.

"Rubbish, Merlin! I may as well..." 

But Merlin's already up, his face furious and upset. He's grabbed the pile of parchment and marched over to the fire place. He throws the parchment in and immediately it's curling in and blackening. A tear runs down Merlin's face. 

"Here, let me save you the trouble!" Then he storms out of the room.


	6. Chapter 6

Arthur is sat at his desk, his elbows on the desk and his head in his hands. Below him is the piece of parchment that is supposed to hold his speech for tomorrow evening. But it's empty. Well, not technically empty. It has a lot of ink on it, it's just that most of his has been crossed out. All that's legible is 'Good Evening'. He's tried remembering what Merlin said or how he said it, but he can't. He's just not got Merlin's way with words. And now Merlin isn't speaking to him. Which is very unfair. He's pretty certain that sorcerer spies aren't supposed to get in a mood with you if they think you're onto them. But Merlin is definitely in a bad mood. He's not looking Arthur in the eye, he's calling him 'sire' in bordering on a sarcastic note and he plonked Arthur's dinner down rather heavily. Arthur had told him to be more careful, and that any breakages would come out of his wage packet. Then he'd dismissed him. An hour ago Merlin had come to put him to bed and Arthur had complained about the lack of a speech and it being tomorrow. Merlin had silently carried on dressing him. That had frustrated Arthur, so he'd complained about the way Merlin was dressing him. This really wasn't fair, Merlin wasn't supposed to be acting like this. If he was a traitor wouldn't he be fawning over Arthur, trying to win back favour? Rewriting the speech again and again until Arthur liked it? Wouldn't he be sneaking off all the time? 

Arthur shakes himself, none of these thoughts are helping. He is ready for bed, just not in bed, trying to come up with something to say. But nothing will come. Frustrated he bundles the parchment into a ball and throws it at the fire to join Merlin's, then goes to bed.

In the morning he's woken by George. He frowns, George is being ever so polite and has placed a napkin on his lap with a plate of food. He glares up at George.

"Where's Merlin?"

"He realised that with the delays yesterday he had not prepared your ceremonial outfit for the speech. As he is busy he thought you wouldn't mind a different face" 

"Oh didn't he!" says Arthur, and George's face shots up, eyebrows raised. 

"Is everything all right, Sire?" 

"No, get me dressed and then get Merlin here!" 

Merlin arrives, ceremonial robes in hand to find Arthur pacing his chambers.

"How dare you shirk your responsibilities onto George!"

"Really, Sire, it was no..."

"Get out, George!" shouts Arthur, and the shocked servant pretty much runs out of the room. Merlin is standing, staring down at the robes in his hand.

"Well?"

"Your robe needs some stitching done on the hem and..."

"Merlin, you are my servant, I expect you to do as you're told"

"You've made it very clear that you don't want me around!" shouts Merlin back.

"You follow my orders, you serve me until I say otherwise!"

"Yes Sire" says Merlin quietly, bitterly. 

"Now, you will sit there, where I can see you, repairing my robe, whilst I write my speech for tonight!"

\---

The speech is a complete disaster. Arthur's clothes are fine, immaculate, beautiful. His words are uncomfortable, ill fitting and rough. He knows it doesn't flow like usual, he forgets parts, tells jokes that aren't funny. And every time he finds himself looking up for reassurance, Merlin is staring at a point across the hall, his face blank. The elders are very gracious with it all, very patient with him. But he's been made to look a fool. And he's furious. He storms back to his chambers, silent in his own fury as Merlin undresses him. Neither of them speaks, and Merlin leaves again without so much as a 'good night'.

Arthur walks over to his bed and fetches the bear and the letters from under his mattress. He has no plans to study them tonight, though. They are probably plans and the bear is probably some kind of talisman. Even if they aren't, Merlin is a traitor. For a moment he holds them and stares at the heart of the hearth, crackling with the new wood Merlin placed in it earlier. It's roaring. He considers for one more moment then throws them into the fire and watches the flames build up. Watches as page after page of writing glows amber then blackens. Watches as the bear, which has fallen on the edge of the grate, catches fire.


	7. Chapter 7

Arthur wakes up feeling groggy. Merlin is shaking him then and when Arthur opens his eyes Merlin's walking away. Arthur feels miserable. He hates this, not saying anything. He should have just confronted Merlin in the first place. He's been a coward and he can see that now. But he doesn't know how to move from here. He sits up and shivers.

"Stoke the fire, Merlin" he says without thinking. Merlin doesn't look at him but walks over the fire. He's sweeping it out then stops. He picks something up.

"Beh?" Arthur looks up frowning. Merlin has stood up, and walked over to Arthur. He's holding a piece of blackened wood for Arthur to see. Arthur recognises it, it's only half charred. It's the bear he'd found in Merlin's room. 

"You burnt Beh" says Merlin quietly.

"Yes" says Arthur trying to sound unashamed, but Merlin looks really upset, he's holding the bit of wood carefully, reverentially.

"Why?" asks Merlin, his eyes searching Arthur's.

"Because you deserve it!" he says bitterly. 

"What? What have I done? You're being cruel and you won't say why. And sometimes you're nice and then you're not! It's like you're not you any more! Tell me what's wrong!" shouts Merlin, Arthur looks up, furious. He can't take this any more, can't suppress his anger. 

"You're what's wrong! I know, Merlin! I know you're secret! You've been lying to me!" 

Merlin's eyes have gone wide.

"I'm sorry!" his voice is wavering, quiet, fearful.

For a moment Arthur feels wrong footed. Traitors are supposed to deny all knowledge, or threaten, or run, or beg for mercy. Not stand there staring at him like their whole world has just collapsed. 

"What are your plans?" he demands

Merlin frowns a little.

"What?"

"What are your plans?! Were you going to kill me? Control me like a puppet? Manipulate me?"

"No! Arthur, I'd never hurt you! I'd never betray you! Please, believe me!"

"Why did you come here?" 

"To learn from Gaius" 

"Why did you become my servant?"

"What are you talking about? Your father made me your servant! I didn't want to be! You were terrible! You tried to cut my head off..." Merlin's voice trails off as he pales and looks down. His brow is furrowed, he's breathing quickly and he begins chewing his lip nervously. 

Arthur feels like he's being shouted at my two different people. One screams traitor the other demands he leave Merlin alone. 

"I'm sorry Arthur. I am" a tear falls down Merlin's cheek.

"I want to know everything. Everything you've lied to me about" Arthur feels safe with that. It's not mean, it's fair.

"...It could take a long time." 

"Write it down then. I want it in writing." As he looks at Merlin he sees Merlin register the implication. 

Arthur sits back down again, not looking at Merlin but at the unlit fire. After a moment Merlin heads over to Arthur's desk. For what feels like hours, all Arthur can hear is the scratch of quill or parchment and Merlin sniffing. His mind is still in turmoil. The two voices carry on arguing. Except that now they aren't his voice. One voice is Merlin. Merlin who had always seemed like a voice of reason to him. If Merlin wasn't the one who had betrayed him Merlin would have been arguing with him to show mercy. To think about what why Merlin had hidden this secret. To judge Merlin by his actions. The other voice is his father, angry and bitter. His father who burned first and didn't bother to think about the consequences. His father who only wanted knights of noble birth, when he himself had knights who weren't of noble birth but had proven their worth over and over. Merlin had encouraged him in that decision. Had refused to see why birth should dictate worth. Merlin had opened his eyes to that. Even in his betrayal he can see that Merlin was right. 

Eventually the writing stops and Merlin walks over. His eyes are red and the bottom of his left sleeve is wet. He's shaking slightly as he hands Arthur the pile of parchments. Arthur frowns at the number of pages, but starts reading as Merlin stands in front of him. 

It's rambling, quite incoherent in places, smudges where Merlin has misspelled or smudged the ink or cried on it are numerous. But he can make sense of it. Merlin arriving, fleeing for fear of persecution. Fleeing here of all places. How he'd become Arthur's servant, and how apparently he's been trying to keep Arthur alive ever since. It would be laughable if some of Merlin's explanations didn't include memories that Arthur has always wondered about. He finds himself beginning to count all the times Merlin has been off putting his life in danger when Arthur thought he was at the tavern. But he gives up. Merlin gets emotional about the times Arthur has been injured or dying. 

"You were just lying there and I'd tried the spell but you weren't moving and I thought I'd lost you. I couldn't bear it and I tried again and it was like the world was going to end. I've never been more scared, you have to believe me! And then you breathed and you were okay."

His discussion of Morgana and all that's gone on is beyond what he'd imagined. Who could make it up? Who'd want to admit they'd tried to poison her, knowing how things turned out. But he does. And he released the dragon. Because he'd promised he would. He didn't know what the dragon would do. Merlin doesn't pretend he's always done the right thing, but there's no plan. Apart from keeping Arthur alive. And it's so close to the Merlin he knows. Merlin ends.

"I'm sorry I never told you. I'm sorry you found out the way you did. I was a coward. At first I was too scared you'd kill me, then I was too scared you'd hate me. If you've ever cared for me, please don't burn me." 

That's it. No begging for clemency, no more explanations or I hope you understands. Except there's another page left. He turns it over and as soon as he recognises it he wants to cry, or maybe throw up. Merlin has written out his own order for execution. He's written out a short list of his most grievous crimes and the punishment, he's asked for beheading. All that's needed is Arthur's signature. It's only now as Arthur looks up that he sees that Merlin has gone to get the quill from the ink pot. Merlin is pale, his eyes are distant. He's so certain of the decision Arthur will make. His best friend believes with all his heart that Arthur will kill him. His actions have convinced Merlin that his best hope is for a swift and relatively painless execution. 

The Uther in his mind says sign it. But it sounds like poison to Arthur now. A last ditched thought says this is a double bluff, some elaborate manipulation. But Arthur looks at Merlin for a little longer. 

"Just sign it, please. I can't live with you hating me!" Merlin's voice breaks with tears half way through. No, Merlin's not lying. He's petrified, but resolved to face his fate. Because he's Merlin and he's so loyal he'd throw himself at a ghost to save Arthur, drink poison to save Arthur, march into battle with nothing but his shirt and trousers and the risk of everyone seeing his magic for Arthur. Carry on living in a city that kills sorcerers for Arthur, putting up with Arthur having to be dragged out of bed. And now allow himself to be executed for Arthur. The Merlin in his head, the voice he's always trusted as fair and just says to look at his actions. His own memories prove them to be true. 

Which means that Arthur has been cruel. Arthur has burned Merlin's bear and his mothers letters out of paranoia and spite. He's been a coward. He'd thought the most intelligent way to catch a spy was to keep quiet. But he condemned Merlin without giving him a chance to defend himself. Arthur feels like he's been kicked in the gut repeatedly. He's a terrible friend and a terrible king and a terrible person. 

"Light the fire" he orders. Merlin frowns, then turns to the grate. He places new logs in and then lights it with tinder. Habit, Arthur supposes. Merlin stands up, still watching Arthur for the final blow. Arthur looks at him then tears up the sheets of parchment and throws them in the fire. Merlin watches them burn spellbound. 

"I... I'm not executing you" it takes a lot of effort to say it. Not because he doesn't want to say it, but it carries the implication that Arthur could ever have wanted to. But he has and that's hard to admit to himself. Merlin's eyes snap up to meet Arthur's. There's a smile in his eyes but then the flood gates open and Merlin's sobbing uncontrollably. At first Arthur doesn't know what to do. He's already hurt Merlin so much, and now Merlin's crying more. But he's finally done the right thing. He pulls Merlin into a tight hug and that seems to make Merlin worse for a moment. Merlin's crying onto Arthur's shoulder and clinging to his shirt. But Arthur realises it's relief. Relief of years of believing Arthur would kill him for this. Years of thinking your best friend would kill you if only he knew you. Arthur's crying himself but he doesn't question why. He knows why, and he knows he'll probably think about it for a long time. Merlin suddenly pulls away a little.

"I'm sorry, Arthur! I'm sorry I lied..."

"Shhh it's okay. It's okay." Merlin rests his head against Arthur's shoulder again. 

"I wanted to tell you"

"I know"

"Will you ever trust me again?"

"Yes." For a moment there's silence.

"Merlin"

"Yeah"

"I'm sorry I burnt your bear"

"You thought he was a talisman"

"I wanted to hurt you. I did it to hurt you. And I'm sorry. I burnt your mother's letters as well"

"What?" Merlin looks up, hurt. Arthur looks down ashamed. 

"I'm sorry I made you muck out the stables and I'm sorry I burnt the notes you made for me. I'm sorry I made fun of your speech. I'm sorry you thought all that time I'd kill you. And I'm sorry you were nearly right" Merlin looks up. He can feel Merlin's breathing quicken.

"I'm sorry I was such a monster, Merlin." Arthur cries himself as he says it. It's like he's been studying himself in the mirror, he barely recognises himself. He hates it. 

"Can... can we go back to being friends now, please?" asks Merlin quietly. 

"Yes, Merlin, we can" And Arthur knows it's more than he deserves.

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure whether to continue as this could become a monster. Also could go very very badly for Merlin. I can't guarantee if I continue someone might nor die. I'm making no promises. Consider yourselves warned!!


End file.
